‘The Last Witch Hunter’ and ‘Jem’ — A weekend of epic failure

By on October 28, 2015

 

In movie terms, this past weekend was no triple lindy. It was a titanic flop nearly as bad as these puny references to classic films (“Back to School” and “Titanic”). It was just that bad. The highest ranking film, “The Last Witch Hunter,” brought in a paltry $10 million and couldn’t even crack the top three (held by “The Martian,” “Goosebumps,” and “Bridge of Spies”).

“Avoid at all costs,” writes Shaun from Lancaster and I couldn’t agree more.

“The Last Witch Hunter” may be the death knell of Vin Diesel’s career. His lackluster performance as Kaulder, the last witch hunter (which is completely misleading because he is the first and the only of his profession), is by far one of the least interesting roles the action superstar has ever taken. If you loved him in “The Fast and the Furious” definitely stay away from “The Last Witch Hunter,” as your memory of Diesel will be forever tainted.

Sure, with all of its special effects, this movie looks cool, but it is a trapdoor leading to the deepest depths of boredom. The immortal Kaulder is called upon to save humanity from the evil, all-powerful Queen Witch and in turn drags some great actors through the muck including BAFTA award winner Rose Leslie (who is immortalized in the minds of all “Game of Thrones” fans for telling John Snow he knows nothing), Michael Kane (who must be one of the most desperate actors trying to recoup their image in the eyes of pop culture), and Elijah Wood. Why, Frodo, why? Wood has left the Shire and become the right hand priest to a witch hunting goon.

To say “The Last Witch Hunter” is a total flop is a bit too much, but it really has no merit and shows Diesel obviously cannot stand up against the likes of Matt Damon, Jack Black, and Tom Hanks. Well, those are three names I never thought I’d put in one sentence!

Don’t waste your time on “The Last Witch Hunter;” coming to theaters this week is “Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse,” which I can only hope is going to be a good kind of bad. (Will Tye Sheridan be the next Ashton Kutcher?)

 

“Jem and the Holograms,” a live action version of the wildly-popular ‘80s cartoon, fell short of expectations in the theaters. “This movie should never have been made,” says Record Express film critic Michael Upton. (Photo from ign.com)

“Jem and the Holograms,” a live action version of the wildly-popular ‘80s cartoon, fell short of expectations in the theaters. “This movie should never have been made,” says Record Express film critic Michael Upton. (Photo from ign.com)

‘Jem and the Holograms’

We just can’t get enough of the ‘80s … or can we? It doesn’t really matter how truly outrageous Jem is, nobody is flocking to the theaters to see this flop. I hate to have to write about two bad movies in one column, but I hated having to sit through them much more. Now, I’m bitter.

In all fairness, I have to admit I went to see “Jem and the Holograms” just to get a glimpse of Molly Ringwald. I mean, who grew up in the ‘80s and didn’t fall in love with the wallflower who gave us “Sixteen Candles,” “The Breakfast Club,” and “Pretty in Pink” (remember Jon Cryer in that movie)? She is truly outrageous … this movie? Not so much.

Jem (Aubrey Peeples, “Sharknado”) is a small-town girl who transforms from an underground video sensation into global superstar in the blink of an eye in this Jon M. Chu directed flick. I should have known not to expect much from the guy who brought us “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never” and the “Step Up” franchise. “Jem and the Holograms” is an example of what happens when a production company takes things too far. This movie should never have been made. Sometimes fond memories just need to remain memories.

Agree or disagree? Reel Reviews works like this: 1) Watch a movie; 2) Send suggestions, comments and criticism to Michael at SomeProMCU@gmail.com.

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